Trying To Get Refocused

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Its amazing sometimes how much an illness can throw you off track.  Especially when that wonderful time of the month pops its head up as well.  Rather feel like everything fell down around my ears while I was battling a cold and Kidlet had some stomach virus.  But its a new day now, she’s at school and I’m home and ready for action!  Oh, and a ton of coffee.  Today is one of those days I really wish I could just stick a coffee IV in me and go about my day.

Lots to do, have to get my home back into some sort of order, make some money (don’t we all?) and get ready for the fun to start on Wednesday!  I’ll have a brand new, bouncing nephew to coo at and take pictures of then.  Which means many hospital hours!  Its worth it though, but I’d like to be able to spend time with my family without worrying overmuch about everything at home.  Also this week is a sleep over for Kidlet at a friend’s house, and social time for Momma!  Yay!  I get to talk to grownups who aren’t a member of my family! :)

Part of the revamp is having a more active social life, I can’t play the hermit forever.  And its fun to get together with close friends and do things, besides the normal round of kid’s birthday parties.  I would like to entertain more at home as well.  Lots of plans swirling around this head.  But first I have to get the foundation started!  Can’t go jumping in without a plan, that gets me nowhere fast.  I’ll get back on top of my game one way or another…even if it kills me.

Boy I’m Productive

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At least this weekend was!  I’m completely cleaning and decluttering my home, from top to bottom…kind of like an early spring cleaning.  My home is probably the number one thing that holds me back from where I want to be in life, since I’m constantly seeing more to do.  And as a bit of a perfectionist, I can’t let it go, even if I do nothing about it.  I decided recently that my entire life needs to more or less be revamped.  And let me tell you, its a lot of work so far!  But my motivation is high, and I’m tackling things one step at a time…starting with the house.

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Then I’ll start tackling the financial things, motherhood things and learning things.  I’m slowly developing a step by step plan, a life to do list if you would.  I plan on gaining control over my life (somehow it seems to have slipped from my grasp) in all aspects.  I’ve set deadlines for some things that are holding me in the “waiting” pattern, and am taking steps for a more active social life…I don’t hate quite everyone. ;)  I feel good about 2010, and while I know it isn’t going to be all sunshine and roses, I’m more then willing to make the effort.  Though I’d still not say no to winning the lottery of course. :)

I’m bound and determined to have the ball rolling before my 27th birthday, and gaining momentum.  I have a lot to accomplish between now and then, but I really REALLY need to stop letting the past and my bloody emotions to dictate my future.  I’m tired of that little voice in my head that says that my life would be easier “if only…blah blah blah”.  Sure it would, but it would be easier if I remembered who I am and got off my butt and did something about it too!  So I’m making 2010 the year I get up off my ass and do something about it.  All in the name of balance you see. ;)

A Better Day

I think because I actually got some sleep last night!  Was in bed right after midnight, instead of 2 or 3 am like I had been.  Took a nice relaxing bath with my muscle soak before bed, which helps prevent my back and hips from giving out on me.  Especially with all the cleaning I do, and the fact that I spend a lot of time on a regular basis sitting in a kitchen chair working.  Not the best thing for sciatic nerve damage, that’s for sure!  But until I have the home of my dreams (with a home office) it is what it is.

Got lots of cleaning done yesterday, and still have tons more to do today.  I got my big closet cleaned out and reorganized, and hung up a lot of my clothes that were stuffed into my bureau…until I ran out of hangers.  Oops.  Still not finished my bedroom, but its getting there.  Several things are on their way out, which makes me very happy.  The less crap I have, the better.  Been debating some sort of built in type storage space in my room, because I have no where to store those things that I do actually use.  Which is a lot of the reason why my entire house looks cluttered.  This place is so tiny, and so old that storage is a huge issue.  Currently I think I’ll use some of the bureau drawers that I’ve emptied to hold things like my notebooks and binders that I use constantly.  Yay for junk drawers!  Still have the other closet to clean out, so we’ll see.  I’m pretty sure I’ll need more plastic tubs though. ;)

I’m pretty much revamping my entire life, from the ground up.  And that means this blog as well.  I’m going to be tweaking the blog, not removing it for those that are worried.  There’s a lot of work to be done, both offline and on.  But I can’t just sit on my thumbs.  Things have to change, and as I’m the only one who can change them, I need to work my butt off.  It could stand to lose a few inches I’m sure.  I’ve started making a “wants” list, and there are a few other lists I need to create.  I love lists!  Lists keep me focused, and I need that now.  I’m going to try writing goals like to do’s…just some slight tweaking, making them more specific and not time dependant, that sort of thing.

Wasting Time

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One of my biggest problems is the inefficient use of my time.  I’m a pathological time waster these days.  Instead of focusing on what I want and what needs to be done, I spend my time on Twitter, forums, Yahoo Messenger, phone calls…the list just goes on and on.  I never used to be like this, but I have to accept that I am now…and start changing it.

When I was a teen, I had to make every moment count – I held three jobs, 12 classes a year, sports, homework…never mind actually having a social life.  But now, I have too much time.  My day isn’t structured by any outside forces, so I have to structure them myself.  And that’s a constant work in progress!  On a deep level, I want to cram as much living as possible with the natural time constraints we all have, but for whatever reason I find myself instead aimlessly shifting through space.  I know I can cram a lot into the 24 hours I have, so its not a lack of ability…nor is it a lack of desire.  But I think that until I figure out what truly lies at the bottom of my issues with time management, I will get no closer to the ultimate goal.  Time is passing without me.

Feeling Frustrated

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I just feel like such a failure right now, and I’m frustrated at my inability to do what I need to do.  There is really no basis for the failure feelings, besides me not meeting my own standards.  There’s so much in my life that I have to fix, so many different aspects, and they are all tied into each other.  For every step forward I make in one area of my life, I seem to take two steps back in another.  This is a lot of the reason why 2010’s one little word is balance.  I feel like I’m walking through water all the time, no matter what I do…until I’m ready to scream.

I know there is a lesson in here somewhere, that its happening for a reason…but its driving me crazy.  Its always like the answer is just out of reach, in plain view but I can’t see it.  I do try to see each day as a new opportunity, but sometimes all the little maxims I live by get tossed out of the window.  Its not like I’m not trying to get out of this…I can see some ways clearly, and have been attempting them.  I’m not just sitting here doing nothing, I’m taking steps to achieve what I want.  The problem is it seems like the more I try, the deeper into it I get.  Kind of like quicksand, the more I struggle, the deeper I sink.  And I hate it, I’m tired and my strength is fading.  Giving up isn’t an option, but what on earth am I missing?  I’ve been in the same holding pattern for years, and I don’t know why…just that it continues to get worse with every passing year.

Any thoughts out there?  I want my drive back, and I want to feel like I accomplished something damn it.  I just want my life to be mine.

Crazy Times

Ugh, having my daughter home nearly all week has seriously messed up my schedule.  But I think it helped too, because I wasn’t ready to process all that has happened yet, and without processing it, I couldn’t come up with a workable solution.  Still not quite there yet, but all I can do is move forward.  At least I’m hoping that the rash of backsliding is done for this time around.

One bright side of all this mayhem is I’m journaling again.  And trying to get into the habit of daily journal pages, but at least weekly.  I carry too much inside me with no outlet.  While I haven’t blown yet, I have blown off steam…which has to be the most unhelpful thing I’ve ever done.  It really didn’t help with anything, and just seemed to add more feelings on top of it.  It wasn’t until I set my thoughts and feelings down on paper that I started making sense of the whirling thoughts.

Still have no plan though.  The first step for me I think will be coming up with a daily routine and sticking to it.  My days tend to be very unstructured in even the most basic sense.  Which is nice to some extent, but I think having even a little structure in my day will help.  And this includes weekends and other days when Kidlet is home.  It especially should help me solve the big balance issue!

On the rodent front, its been quiet.  I might have heard a bit of noise last night, but its hard to tell with all the snow.  Personally I want all the damage fixed already, but it takes two people and getting Matt’s help is like pulling teeth.  Especially with Dad’s back the way it is now.  I just have to suck it up for a little bit I suppose…though I’m still shaken by that damn rodent!  I hate them all with a passion, when they are in my home.

Hard Times Ahead

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Well, we have caught something in the rat trap that was set.  But it wasn’t a squirrel.  It was a RAT!  Apparently a loose pet rat, but a rat nonetheless.  And its been quiet…so either it found a red squirrel hole and moved in, or that was the culprit all along.  Hard to tell, especially with the recently dead red squirrels.

Because of all the damage, Dad has decided that this place is just one step shy of condemned.  So that means I need a new one, and none of us have the money for one.  Nothing can be done until spring, so I have to raise the money to purchase a new trailer (new to me).  That gives me at least 4 months, so things are going to be tight here…not that they aren’t already.

I’ll admit it, I’m extremely stressed out.  So stressed that I took a drive yesterday and ended up buying a pack of cigarettes.  I’ll go back to being quit afterwards, no matter how the stress is, because I can’t spend 5-6 bucks per pack.  That kind of money adds up fast.  And Dad is insisting on a cement pad (this one is on gravel), and it would be a great opportunity to have some of the land behind this one cleared out.  There is just too much damage to fix at this point, and its gotten to the point where its not worth it to fix it.  The main thing for me is the trailer…I have to stay close to my parents due to their health issues. No matter how much I’d rather run!

I’m putting a donate button on the blog for those of you who are so inclined.  Do not feel as if you HAVE to, do so only if you want to and can afford to.  The money will be going into a completely separate account then my main.  If you do donate, thank you in advance, it is greatly appreciated.

Yay, Its Tuesday

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Been feeling cruddy since Thursday.  Blech.  Nothing of any import got done all weekend, although I did drag my cruddy rear end to the store to pick up birthday cards for Mom’s birthday on Saturday.  Her birthday was Sunday.  My little brother and his wife took Mom and Dad out to eat Sunday night, while I watched the kiddos.  I haven’t even wanted to play Sims 2, so I settled for lots of reading.  Now my house is trashed, I still feel cruddy, and I need to catch up on book reviews.  Thinking I’m just going to drag out my timer and work on things a few minutes at a time as I can.  Feeling pretty restless, so I figure I might as well make it productive.

Dad is trying to get Matt over here to help him move my washer and dryer…so they can investigate the critter invasion.  From what I heard the other night, its coming through under there.  But I don’t know if there is a hole under there, or if they are coming through the wall from the back closet.  Or if there is somewhere completely unrelated that they are coming through.  All I care about is finding the entrance and blocking it.  I severely dislike having critters in my home.  Still not sure what the fascination is with the Play Dough, but I guess it keeps it occupied.  Still haven’t gotten a glimpse of the critter, but I still suspect squirrel.  Red to be precise.  Nasty lil buggers.

How was everyone else’s weekend?

What A Morning!

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The day started out innocently enough too.  Woke up on time, Kidlet got ready for school, and then we ended up sideways.  Literally.  I was driving down the road and hit a slick spot while going down a small hill.  I had to crawl out of the car through the passenger side door, and then walk up the road to grab my Dad.  I couldn’t get out.  I now know that our road is exactly the length of my car from snow bank to snow bank!  Fortunately no one got hurt, and there is only very minor damage to the car.  Hitting icy snow banks is always a no win situation for a vehicle.  At any speed.  So I ended up having to drive Kidlet to school, instead of her taking the happy little school bus.  Again.

Anyone know what critter could drag/carry a decent sized potato from the kitchen to in between my washer and dryer?  I know for a fact that it wasn’t there yesterday, and I even know where exactly the potato came from.  My nephew is always getting into my potatoes when he comes over (he has an obsession with apples right now) and this one was right next to the soda, right by the bag.  Now how did it get all the way down the hall and between my washer and dryer?  I don’t know, didn’t think mice were quite that strong.  Kidlet also found one of her PlayDough’s there.  Still in the container.  Hmm, this is a puzzle.  I hate critters.  If it is a critter of some sort (don’t see how it couldn’t be), I’m not too sure where it is coming from.  My guess would have to be the hot water heater portion of the closet, since I saw acorns in there (only like 4).  I hear critters moving around a lot, but its hard to tell if its outside, inside or underneath.  Tin walls suck!

Now my day will consist of writing.  I have book reviews to do, articles to write, and I’m participating (sort of) in LAFFN (Let’s All Finally Finish A Novel).  I guess I’m a glutton for punishment!

Technorati Tags: General,Rodents,Critters,Winter Roads

One Little Word…

Good morning!  Yesterday was actually fairly productive.  I started a book review, submitted three articles that I had been sitting on, and wrote a couple of blog posts.  I am trying to develop routines for the house as well, and started a morning one which worked out well.  But it leaves things out that need to be taken care of.  I only give myself an hour to do it, and the one I have just about eats it all up.  I think my next step will be a mid-morning routine.  I noticed that I start to fade out around 10 or 11, that my brain disengages from writing.  So that seems like a natural time to insert a mid-morning routine to do a few odds and ends, and recharge my brain for some more writing.  I’d rather get an hour of decent writing then 8 hours of zoning and drifting around.

Balance: Rocks Art Print
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If I had to pick one word for 2010 to explain my goals and focus, it would have to be balance.  I first heard about One Little Word from Polly at Sotto Voice.  One Little Word was created by Ali Edwards, and the premise is that you choose one word to focus on through the coming year.  You can read all about this wonderful idea here and here.  Balance is something I desperately need in my life.  I tend to roam from one extreme to the other, though not in mood, and that always leaves me with lots of little pieces (and sometimes rather large pieces) laying around.  I’ve gotten stuck in a case of this verses that.  Either my house is near spotless and my writing is nonexistent, or I focus on my writing and my house is in shambles.  That’s just one example.  There are many more!

What’s your one little word for 2010?

Technorati Tags: One Little Word,Balance,General,Housework,Writing For Pay

The Winter Blues

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One thing I hate about winter is it constantly seems like a chore to do anything.  It gets dark too early, its too cold, it just breeds procrastination.  And with Christmas just around the corner, I don’t know about you but I cannot afford to procrastinate.  But its so easy to slip into silly things, and once again I find half a month gone before I’ve done what I’ve set out to do.

I can’t continue this way.  Fortunately all my shopping is done, so I do not need immediate income, but I do have to replenish my bank account before my bills are due.  Which means I have to write.  And lately that seems to be a huge struggle!  Especially with my Dad’s back being out, and myself having to be at his beck and call.  Though I am getting loads done, its not the most important work.  I know I’m being too hard on myself, but I just don’t know what else to do.  I’m a grade A perfectionist.

So I’m trying to redirect my energy back to my income producing work once more.  I do not wish to fail, as nothing else will give me the freedom I have thus enjoyed.  And with my family, I need that freedom…since I never know what could happen.  My Dad would have been high and dry had I not been home, and that could have been disastrous.

On the plus side, at least I’m catching it now, instead of the beginning of January.  What are you procrastinating on?

Technorati Tags: Procrastination,Writing For Pay,Winter,Christmas,Back Pain,Family

Starting Over…Again

Technorati Tags: General,Beginnings

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Sometimes I wonder if I just like new beginnings.  A new day, a new blog, a new whatever…But I’m not actually going anywhere this time.  I haven’t been doing what I set out to do now for quite some time.  Chaos has ruled much of my life, and while not ALL of that is my fault, an extremely large portion (say 99.9%) of it is.

I need to get my shit in order.  Need to get my head spun back around.  I had directed my laser like focus to the wrong subject (yeah yeah, LONG story…so not going there.  Its over, done, healing) and now its disoriented.  I stopped learning.  I honestly do not think I’ve become immersed in any other subject in years.  And for someone of my nature, that’s like a slow, painful death.  No wonder I’m dead tired all the time…and frankly feeling not too far above what I would imagine re-animated dead to feel like.

How does one restart their life?  Unlike a blog, webpage, screen name, etc one cannot just start from scratch with a defined clean slate.  And in some ways, I wouldn’t want to forget everything…I’ve worked hard to get here, and learned many lessons along the way.  Many of which I really do not care to repeat, comprende? :)

I’m not a big fan of floating aimlessly through life, but perhaps there’s a lesson in there somewhere.  Either way I need to break free of my self-defined hell by getting back to basics.  Not sure how to do it, but it can only be done one step and one day at a time.  Before I go truly certifiable.

Escape From The Hermitage - Briefly

Technorati Tags: Knitting,General,Friends,Back Pain

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Today was a pretty good day all in all.  Got to sleep in without Jas causing too much of a mess, fed my Dad’s dog, got some cleaning done…and visited with my friend Jen.  My “other” Mom was up for the weekend, so when I saw her car and everyone else’s I had to pop in.  It was a real good visit, and the running joke was that the hermit had left her cave. Yes I’m a wee bit of a hermit.  No pictures as it was a spur of the moment trip – just happened to drive by.

A picture of Jen from back when we all went swimming.  One of the few friends who understands and goes with my inner hermit.

I did manage to take some fall pictures, but that will have to wait until tomorrow as when I went to feed Dad’s dog her evening meal, I threw out half of my back.  So I’m in a fair bit of pain as one can expect.  Its not totally out, I can still move around, but it put a damper on the rest of my evening.  Ended up kicking back and using Dad’s tv for a bit waiting for the pain meds to kick in.

I’ve also started a new knitting project…well, more of a continuation of my last one.  I’m making baby blankets for my nieces and nephews, only out of squares of yarn.  If all goes well, I might make some larger ones.  This is mostly just to practice my knitting, and actually create something of value with it.  I do most of my knitting right before bed, as its so soothing I want to fall asleep over it (and have a couple of times).  And its a really good way to remember my Nana who taught me how to knit along with my Mother.

How to Knit, November 24, 1941 Photographic Print
Mili, Gjon
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Baking, Halloween and Moving Forward

I’ve gotten a lot of baking done the past couple of days.  There is nothing I like better then home-baked goods, and its so handy to use up things before they go bad.  Like the cheese muffins I’ve been making constantly, and the pizza casserole type thing I made tonight.  I’ll have to post some recipes soon…if I ever type them up!  I have plans to, that’s for sure.  I try not to write out recipes if I can help it, I prefer the neat look of type.  So that is definitely on the agenda…now if only I can remember to take photos, we’d be in business.  Last night I also whipped up a bread pudding to use up some leftover bread.  No wonder I’m gaining weight! :)  I can always feed a small army with all the food I cook.  Guess I was just made for that large family I’ve always wanted…I just can’t figure out how to cook for two.  Even the cooking for 2 recipes end up feeding four or more!  I have given up.

My Halloween decorations are now up!  Jasmyne quite enjoyed doing the inside decorations tonight, although I know she’ll hound me to no end to get the outside ones done this weekend.  I think all I have for the outside are some lights and a paper lantern.

And there’s the lovely Jasmyne hamming it up in her jammies.  And yes, she is standing on the couch.

As you can see, I have some living room work to do!  Both of those picture frames have to be hung somewhere…I just haven’t figured out the best place yet. I didn’t know quite what else to do with the leaves, so I tossed them there for now.  Hmm, looking at that picture, maybe I can drape it over the mirror.  If the mirror will hold it of course!

This is one of the best flat surfaces for decoration in the house, the top of the entertainment center. 

I’m not sure who made the top three decorations, I inherited them from my Nana, and she passed away in June after a long battle with Alzheimer's.  I wasn’t going to keep them, but they looked good in the display I thought, so I figured why not?  The three ghosties in the front are tealight candle holders.

The top of a small shelving unit that was my grandparents.  The kiddos are Jasmyne and my nephew Michael. :)

All three of these decorations are candle holders…two taper holders and a tealight holder.   Like most of the decorations, they were inherited, except for the very middle tealight holder…I purchased that at Bath & Body Works while I still worked there.  I love it.  In fact, the tealights are from there too.

There is still so much work to be done in this house.  There really isn’t much for storage space, so much of what I have is laying out.  Though I can get rid of quite a bit of it!  Its a work in progress, I really wished I had taken before pictures of my bedroom before I went on a cleaning spree in there.  But I’m sure you can imagine what it looked like!  I’m hoping to get everything straightened out so I can make more room for what I really want in my life…like making my home-made bath products, herbal remedies, soap, candles etc.  Never mind the crafts!  But as it stands right now, I can’t get an accurate assessment of what I’d have to do to make this place ready to do at least part of it, as I’m sure its going to require moving things around and adding things in key spots.  Can’t work around what I don’t know I have to.

Technorati Tags: Halloween,Decorating,Baking,Housework,General

Lost My Focus

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But that’s okay.  Alright, its not, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it now.  Its a new month, new start…and the fact that I’m “waking” up a full 7 days into the new month means nothing.  Getting sick at the end of September just threw me off, and it took me a bit to recover.  Still not sure what it was, and am still just bone weary…but I’m progressing again!  Went ballistic in my bedroom just the other day, and cleared out a full lawn and leaf bag full of junk (mostly clothes and shoes) that I donated to a local thrift store, Kenaset.  I think I spelled that right.  They are wonderful and do so much for the community that they always get my items.

The time wasn’t a total waste, as I did manage to snap a few photos of the early fall colors here in New England…of course I now have to get my sorry butt out into the cold to get the later ones!  Before the wind blows all my pretty leaves away. :(  Even dragged out the Halloween decorations…which is a HUGE improvement on last year.  I’ve also signed up for NaNoWriMo, so I’ll be looking forward to that.  Of course I haven’t figured out what my project is going to be, but I have all month to work it out.  Might toy with the story I was writing for a friend…I just can’t get past 400 words on it. ;)

Not the best picture, but nothing was agreeing with me that day.  Still pretty though!

Enjoy! :)

Technorati Tags: NaNoWriMo,Fall Color,Nature,Focus,General,Housework

Being Ashamed Of Your Age

Am I the only woman on earth who has never once lied about her age in reverse?  I've made myself older, but never younger.  The way I see it, I've earned those years...and the scars on my body.  I don't look at the number of years as a thing to be ashamed of, but something to be proud of.  Sure I'm looking ahead to my 30th birthday with some trepidation...but not because of the age.  I don't care that I'm going to be 30 in a few years, I'm worried that I'll greet 30 the "wrong" way...the way 99.9% of people greet it, doing the same thing they were doing at 20, or 25.  There is a rather large gap between what I saw my life being at 30, and what its looking like its going to be at 26.

Somewhere along the line though, humanity was taught that age was a bad thing.  That we should always strive to be young.  What moron decided that?  Must have been an advertising executive.  Especially when it comes to women.  My gods, is there a woman over 25 who actually admits her age?  Or a woman over 30?  Its a running joke that any woman over 30 is 29 again.  Where the hell did that come from?  When did youth become beauty?

Frankly I see age as beauty.  When I was 16, I was a scrawny lil shit.  Not a line graced my figure...not that you'd know it, as I'd learned young to hide my "beauty".  Ahh the taunt young figure of 16.  I don't want it back. (The gasps of horror are echoing people...)  I had far more body issues back then...especially considering I had a 6 pack to rival most mens.  Not exactly the most feminine time in my life.  Now at 26 I have stretch marks, a few grays (and no I do NOT dye my hair.), and I can see a few lines on my face that weren't there before.  They're the marks that I've done something with my life, my character is right there in the open.  I had a child, carried and delivered.  Should I now be ashamed of the marks of carrying a life?  Pulease.  I have those lovely thought lines between my eyebrows.  I think a lot, and actually use the brain I was given.  I have laugh lines...which means that no matter what, I find something to smile about.  I'm proud of everything I've survived and done so far...and I hope to all the powers that be that when my time comes, my body is as used and abused as I can get it.  I want to skate into the afterlife screaming my joy and leave a well used husk behind.  Not a time capsule of what I looked like at 16.

What about that should I be ashamed of?







Yoga

Photographic Print

Adams, Roumiana R


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