Boy I’m Productive

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At least this weekend was!  I’m completely cleaning and decluttering my home, from top to bottom…kind of like an early spring cleaning.  My home is probably the number one thing that holds me back from where I want to be in life, since I’m constantly seeing more to do.  And as a bit of a perfectionist, I can’t let it go, even if I do nothing about it.  I decided recently that my entire life needs to more or less be revamped.  And let me tell you, its a lot of work so far!  But my motivation is high, and I’m tackling things one step at a time…starting with the house.

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Then I’ll start tackling the financial things, motherhood things and learning things.  I’m slowly developing a step by step plan, a life to do list if you would.  I plan on gaining control over my life (somehow it seems to have slipped from my grasp) in all aspects.  I’ve set deadlines for some things that are holding me in the “waiting” pattern, and am taking steps for a more active social life…I don’t hate quite everyone. ;)  I feel good about 2010, and while I know it isn’t going to be all sunshine and roses, I’m more then willing to make the effort.  Though I’d still not say no to winning the lottery of course. :)

I’m bound and determined to have the ball rolling before my 27th birthday, and gaining momentum.  I have a lot to accomplish between now and then, but I really REALLY need to stop letting the past and my bloody emotions to dictate my future.  I’m tired of that little voice in my head that says that my life would be easier “if only…blah blah blah”.  Sure it would, but it would be easier if I remembered who I am and got off my butt and did something about it too!  So I’m making 2010 the year I get up off my ass and do something about it.  All in the name of balance you see. ;)

Feeling Frustrated

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I just feel like such a failure right now, and I’m frustrated at my inability to do what I need to do.  There is really no basis for the failure feelings, besides me not meeting my own standards.  There’s so much in my life that I have to fix, so many different aspects, and they are all tied into each other.  For every step forward I make in one area of my life, I seem to take two steps back in another.  This is a lot of the reason why 2010’s one little word is balance.  I feel like I’m walking through water all the time, no matter what I do…until I’m ready to scream.

I know there is a lesson in here somewhere, that its happening for a reason…but its driving me crazy.  Its always like the answer is just out of reach, in plain view but I can’t see it.  I do try to see each day as a new opportunity, but sometimes all the little maxims I live by get tossed out of the window.  Its not like I’m not trying to get out of this…I can see some ways clearly, and have been attempting them.  I’m not just sitting here doing nothing, I’m taking steps to achieve what I want.  The problem is it seems like the more I try, the deeper into it I get.  Kind of like quicksand, the more I struggle, the deeper I sink.  And I hate it, I’m tired and my strength is fading.  Giving up isn’t an option, but what on earth am I missing?  I’ve been in the same holding pattern for years, and I don’t know why…just that it continues to get worse with every passing year.

Any thoughts out there?  I want my drive back, and I want to feel like I accomplished something damn it.  I just want my life to be mine.

Crazy Times

Ugh, having my daughter home nearly all week has seriously messed up my schedule.  But I think it helped too, because I wasn’t ready to process all that has happened yet, and without processing it, I couldn’t come up with a workable solution.  Still not quite there yet, but all I can do is move forward.  At least I’m hoping that the rash of backsliding is done for this time around.

One bright side of all this mayhem is I’m journaling again.  And trying to get into the habit of daily journal pages, but at least weekly.  I carry too much inside me with no outlet.  While I haven’t blown yet, I have blown off steam…which has to be the most unhelpful thing I’ve ever done.  It really didn’t help with anything, and just seemed to add more feelings on top of it.  It wasn’t until I set my thoughts and feelings down on paper that I started making sense of the whirling thoughts.

Still have no plan though.  The first step for me I think will be coming up with a daily routine and sticking to it.  My days tend to be very unstructured in even the most basic sense.  Which is nice to some extent, but I think having even a little structure in my day will help.  And this includes weekends and other days when Kidlet is home.  It especially should help me solve the big balance issue!

On the rodent front, its been quiet.  I might have heard a bit of noise last night, but its hard to tell with all the snow.  Personally I want all the damage fixed already, but it takes two people and getting Matt’s help is like pulling teeth.  Especially with Dad’s back the way it is now.  I just have to suck it up for a little bit I suppose…though I’m still shaken by that damn rodent!  I hate them all with a passion, when they are in my home.

One Little Word…

Good morning!  Yesterday was actually fairly productive.  I started a book review, submitted three articles that I had been sitting on, and wrote a couple of blog posts.  I am trying to develop routines for the house as well, and started a morning one which worked out well.  But it leaves things out that need to be taken care of.  I only give myself an hour to do it, and the one I have just about eats it all up.  I think my next step will be a mid-morning routine.  I noticed that I start to fade out around 10 or 11, that my brain disengages from writing.  So that seems like a natural time to insert a mid-morning routine to do a few odds and ends, and recharge my brain for some more writing.  I’d rather get an hour of decent writing then 8 hours of zoning and drifting around.

Balance: Rocks Art Print
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If I had to pick one word for 2010 to explain my goals and focus, it would have to be balance.  I first heard about One Little Word from Polly at Sotto Voice.  One Little Word was created by Ali Edwards, and the premise is that you choose one word to focus on through the coming year.  You can read all about this wonderful idea here and here.  Balance is something I desperately need in my life.  I tend to roam from one extreme to the other, though not in mood, and that always leaves me with lots of little pieces (and sometimes rather large pieces) laying around.  I’ve gotten stuck in a case of this verses that.  Either my house is near spotless and my writing is nonexistent, or I focus on my writing and my house is in shambles.  That’s just one example.  There are many more!

What’s your one little word for 2010?

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