A Better Day

I think because I actually got some sleep last night!  Was in bed right after midnight, instead of 2 or 3 am like I had been.  Took a nice relaxing bath with my muscle soak before bed, which helps prevent my back and hips from giving out on me.  Especially with all the cleaning I do, and the fact that I spend a lot of time on a regular basis sitting in a kitchen chair working.  Not the best thing for sciatic nerve damage, that’s for sure!  But until I have the home of my dreams (with a home office) it is what it is.

Got lots of cleaning done yesterday, and still have tons more to do today.  I got my big closet cleaned out and reorganized, and hung up a lot of my clothes that were stuffed into my bureau…until I ran out of hangers.  Oops.  Still not finished my bedroom, but its getting there.  Several things are on their way out, which makes me very happy.  The less crap I have, the better.  Been debating some sort of built in type storage space in my room, because I have no where to store those things that I do actually use.  Which is a lot of the reason why my entire house looks cluttered.  This place is so tiny, and so old that storage is a huge issue.  Currently I think I’ll use some of the bureau drawers that I’ve emptied to hold things like my notebooks and binders that I use constantly.  Yay for junk drawers!  Still have the other closet to clean out, so we’ll see.  I’m pretty sure I’ll need more plastic tubs though. ;)

I’m pretty much revamping my entire life, from the ground up.  And that means this blog as well.  I’m going to be tweaking the blog, not removing it for those that are worried.  There’s a lot of work to be done, both offline and on.  But I can’t just sit on my thumbs.  Things have to change, and as I’m the only one who can change them, I need to work my butt off.  It could stand to lose a few inches I’m sure.  I’ve started making a “wants” list, and there are a few other lists I need to create.  I love lists!  Lists keep me focused, and I need that now.  I’m going to try writing goals like to do’s…just some slight tweaking, making them more specific and not time dependant, that sort of thing.

The Winter Blues

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One thing I hate about winter is it constantly seems like a chore to do anything.  It gets dark too early, its too cold, it just breeds procrastination.  And with Christmas just around the corner, I don’t know about you but I cannot afford to procrastinate.  But its so easy to slip into silly things, and once again I find half a month gone before I’ve done what I’ve set out to do.

I can’t continue this way.  Fortunately all my shopping is done, so I do not need immediate income, but I do have to replenish my bank account before my bills are due.  Which means I have to write.  And lately that seems to be a huge struggle!  Especially with my Dad’s back being out, and myself having to be at his beck and call.  Though I am getting loads done, its not the most important work.  I know I’m being too hard on myself, but I just don’t know what else to do.  I’m a grade A perfectionist.

So I’m trying to redirect my energy back to my income producing work once more.  I do not wish to fail, as nothing else will give me the freedom I have thus enjoyed.  And with my family, I need that freedom…since I never know what could happen.  My Dad would have been high and dry had I not been home, and that could have been disastrous.

On the plus side, at least I’m catching it now, instead of the beginning of January.  What are you procrastinating on?

Technorati Tags: Procrastination,Writing For Pay,Winter,Christmas,Back Pain,Family

The First Snow and Other Nonsense

I’m doing much better, although my back still pains me.  But I can’t let it get me down.  I have a life to lead.  One of the changes I’m making will be taking an internet break.  Now I’ll still be blogging, submitting articles and doing research, but for the most part all my work will be done offline…much in the form of pen and paper.  I need to get away from the distractions the computer brings for a bit, so that I can continue on my journey.

This is what I woke up to this morning.

I’m not ready for this.  Its only October!  The fall chores aren’t even complete yet, I’m not ready to think of winter.  I don’t start thinking of winter until after the first of November, which is the normal time to start thinking snow.  Not now, while we’re still in harvest season.  Yes, those are still GREEN leaves on trees, we haven’t hit peak season around here yet either.

Have I mentioned I’m not ready for this yet?

Technorati Tags: Snow,Winter,Back Pain

An Update..

Technorati Tags: Back Pain,General

My back is still out, which is making it rather hard to sit at the computer for long lengths of time.  I’ve only been getting minimal things done, but I have been puttering.  I also haven’t forgotten to show you the latest fall colors or my knitting post, they’ll be coming up soon. 
On top of the pain, I’ve been extremely tired lately.  I think its in part due to the pain and not getting enough sleep at night, so I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping during the day.  Rather reduces the amount of time I have!  Things are still moving slowly forward though.

Escape From The Hermitage - Briefly

Technorati Tags: Knitting,General,Friends,Back Pain

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Today was a pretty good day all in all.  Got to sleep in without Jas causing too much of a mess, fed my Dad’s dog, got some cleaning done…and visited with my friend Jen.  My “other” Mom was up for the weekend, so when I saw her car and everyone else’s I had to pop in.  It was a real good visit, and the running joke was that the hermit had left her cave. Yes I’m a wee bit of a hermit.  No pictures as it was a spur of the moment trip – just happened to drive by.

A picture of Jen from back when we all went swimming.  One of the few friends who understands and goes with my inner hermit.

I did manage to take some fall pictures, but that will have to wait until tomorrow as when I went to feed Dad’s dog her evening meal, I threw out half of my back.  So I’m in a fair bit of pain as one can expect.  Its not totally out, I can still move around, but it put a damper on the rest of my evening.  Ended up kicking back and using Dad’s tv for a bit waiting for the pain meds to kick in.

I’ve also started a new knitting project…well, more of a continuation of my last one.  I’m making baby blankets for my nieces and nephews, only out of squares of yarn.  If all goes well, I might make some larger ones.  This is mostly just to practice my knitting, and actually create something of value with it.  I do most of my knitting right before bed, as its so soothing I want to fall asleep over it (and have a couple of times).  And its a really good way to remember my Nana who taught me how to knit along with my Mother.

How to Knit, November 24, 1941 Photographic Print
Mili, Gjon
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Defining A Moment

How many turning points can you remember?  For me, there are several.  But I have really been puzzling out where my life took a drastic left and how I got left in the dust of a runaway carriage.  Er, car.  Whatever.  So I've been thinking alot about this, even while getting things done.  And yes the past few days have been moderately productive.  Not where I want to be, but today was a decent writing day.  I think the routines are starting to slowly come together.  In all this wild imagining in my head (and imaging my equally wild past), I tried to pinpoint something I felt had the strength to take me from Superwoman to Scaredy Cat.

And I think, I think, maybe, that I found it.  Drum roll please.

Shortly having my daughter at the ripe ole age of 19, my back went out.  And when I say went out, I mean can't move, spasming so bad to appear to be having a seizure, omg my spine is going to snap, out.  The kind that immobilizes you, and makes breathing the hardest thing in the world.  I was down for three days, and my back never fully recovered.

Now imagine that said 19 year old is a go getter, strong, very independent woman.  A woman that crammed as much life into as much time as she could.  On the go constantly, having to be busy (mentally and physically), high energy..the envy of many.  I'm not making this shit up.  By that point in my life, I had already done more then most kids my age, with large plans to do many more.  But after that, I changed.  I can see it now, but I couldn't then.  It literally started the darkest period of my life.  The future that looked bright got dimmer and dimmer until there was nothing but the moment.  And not in that Zen way either.

Something started to really bother me in all this thinking: why would something like that have such a lasting impact?  I can understand while it was new, but later?  While I'm still not sure all the reasons behind it, something made me wonder.  I carry all my tension in my lower back, always have.  I wonder if I also carry my bottled emotions there.  In a lot of holistic medicine practices, problems with the hips often indicates a block in moving forward.  So I'm starting to wonder if when my back went out, it didn't release ALL that emotion into my system.  Which would explain why its taken me YEARS to even get this far.  Add to that the fact that I'm very much an everything happens for a reason gal, and that was one LOUD message from the universe.

Talk about extreme burnout.  Maybe I've learned my lesson. *snort*