Defining A Moment

How many turning points can you remember?  For me, there are several.  But I have really been puzzling out where my life took a drastic left and how I got left in the dust of a runaway carriage.  Er, car.  Whatever.  So I've been thinking alot about this, even while getting things done.  And yes the past few days have been moderately productive.  Not where I want to be, but today was a decent writing day.  I think the routines are starting to slowly come together.  In all this wild imagining in my head (and imaging my equally wild past), I tried to pinpoint something I felt had the strength to take me from Superwoman to Scaredy Cat.

And I think, I think, maybe, that I found it.  Drum roll please.

Shortly having my daughter at the ripe ole age of 19, my back went out.  And when I say went out, I mean can't move, spasming so bad to appear to be having a seizure, omg my spine is going to snap, out.  The kind that immobilizes you, and makes breathing the hardest thing in the world.  I was down for three days, and my back never fully recovered.

Now imagine that said 19 year old is a go getter, strong, very independent woman.  A woman that crammed as much life into as much time as she could.  On the go constantly, having to be busy (mentally and physically), high energy..the envy of many.  I'm not making this shit up.  By that point in my life, I had already done more then most kids my age, with large plans to do many more.  But after that, I changed.  I can see it now, but I couldn't then.  It literally started the darkest period of my life.  The future that looked bright got dimmer and dimmer until there was nothing but the moment.  And not in that Zen way either.

Something started to really bother me in all this thinking: why would something like that have such a lasting impact?  I can understand while it was new, but later?  While I'm still not sure all the reasons behind it, something made me wonder.  I carry all my tension in my lower back, always have.  I wonder if I also carry my bottled emotions there.  In a lot of holistic medicine practices, problems with the hips often indicates a block in moving forward.  So I'm starting to wonder if when my back went out, it didn't release ALL that emotion into my system.  Which would explain why its taken me YEARS to even get this far.  Add to that the fact that I'm very much an everything happens for a reason gal, and that was one LOUD message from the universe.

Talk about extreme burnout.  Maybe I've learned my lesson. *snort*